Since I’ m getting ready to get on a plane in 12 days, I lay awake most nights now thinking about packing and the easiest way to get through security at the airport. No, really….I do lose sleep over it. Airport security is one of the most stressful parts of flying to me(besides takeoff and landing) even though I know that it is very important for everyone’s safety. My pet peeve is being behind a person, or even worse…a whole family, who is not prepared and takes 5 times longer than it should to get through the check. I totally understand that there are people in this world who have never flown before but really….do your research before you fly!
So, here are a few things I think are important to know and be aware of before going through that dreaded airport security check:
- Pack your “liquids” before you get to the airport on the TOP area of your bag – I like to have my little quart size bag full of my 2ozcontainers packed on the very top of the inside of my bag so I can pull it out quickly to be put in the bin. Nobody enjoys waiting while you fumble through the bottemless pit you call your suitcase looking feverishly for your liquid items….be READY. Oh, and no…that 50 oz can of hairspray is NOT allowed….even if you paid $20 bucks for it.
$4 at Walmart…splurge a little
- If possible, wear sandals or “easy off” shoes – What I mean by “easy off” is a pair of shoes that won’t take extraneous amounts of time or energy to remove. Just slip them off and put them in the bin! Yes, Marilyn Manson, I’m talking to you. I personally remove my shoes while I’m waiting in line to have my ID checked. If you don’t like dirty airport floors…wear socks and stop your bitchin.
- Not the best idea…
- Go visit a CoinStar before you arrive at the airport – I die a little bit each time I’m waiting in line behind the person who has $200 in pennies stashed away in his pockets. Really…what is the point of this? Does anyone even pay with cash anymore?
- Check your gynormous bag– I hate to break this to you but your 60″x72″ 50 lb bag will NOT fit in the overhead compartment nor under the seat in front of you. No matter how much you kick, stuff, push or shove it into the measuring tool – IT WILL NOT FIT. I know the airlines charge for checking bags nowadays but damn…you are going on a 10 night caribbean cruise full of caviar and bottles of Dom. Go crazy, splurge a little….spend the $25 and check your freakin bag.
- Don’t break it
- Dont touch other people’s bags – This one is important. I hate having my luggage go through before me. I’m always afraid someone is going to pick up the wrong bag and take my suff with them to China. So, please don’t touch my bag — if you are trying to be helpful, thank you but I can do it myself.
Yup, this is you.
- Give me some space – This one makes me borderline violent. I have a bubble. That bubble forms around me in about a 2-3 foot radius. If you are standing in that vicinity I might just “happen” to punch you in the face — which, would get me detained and I wouldn’t make my flight. I really need a vacation so please….stand back, give me my space and don’t tempt me. I can stand on my own 2 feet just fine, I don’t need you to stand on them too and I promise you will get through the line just as fast.
I’m sure there are more annoying things that I have dealt with while in line for airport security but these are the things I stress about. I’m really not this much of a bitch BUT when it comes to travelling I can be. I’m already stressed enough about flying 35,000 feet in the air over an ocean, strapped into a 400 ton “machine” , with nowhere to escape while having to breathe in other people’s germs and body odor. Will someone just give me some wine I can wash this Xanax down with? Thank you.
What about travelling puts you on edge?
Dockfam Adventures 
I am so glad you reminded me because those were the EXACT boots I was going to wear on the plane. Phew!! 😉 You are hysterical! Just paste a big fat smile on your face and all will be fine. So funny. You crack me up.
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Oh my lawd girl…put those things away! LOL I would expect TSA to confiscate shoes like that anyway due to them possibly being weapons of mass destruction. i mean I’m sure they could do some serious damage. But really…FLIP FLOPS people!! Thanks for stopping by and reading. I’m in a mood today…
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As I read this I am sitting in Ohare. Your list is pretty comprehensive! I, too, have a bubble that shall not be burst. Ever. On pet peeve I have are the people who check in and do not have their ID and credit card ready. Today added a few new pet peeves– the girl who blatantly cut in line in front of me at security and who blew me off when I confronted her; the TSA agent who saw the whole thing and gave me a Cheshire cat grin; the man who plopped his bag right on mine, and when I asked, “is that your bag?”, he grunted. Needless to say, my bubble is pretty big at the moment. The good thing is that all of the jerks of the world are pestering me today, so they’ll be too tired to bother you. : ). Thank you for the follow!
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Don’t you just love the ones who think they are the ONLY one in line? I truly think most people are just oblivious…so wrapped up in their own worlds that they aren’t aware that their actions affect others. Have a safe flight, thanks for stopping by!
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We are of the same like. My bubble is big and if you step into it, you will be given the nastiest look of all time and I will mutter unkind things about you. I call those clueless people, breathers, as in breathing down my neck.
I, too, am a nervous flyer. It doesn’t help that I fly, on the average, 2-4 times a month. I also get annoyed with the clueless flyers, especially during security.
The only thing on me is my briefcase and purse. Everything else on a passenger should be checked. It makes it easier boarding and debarking the plane.
I wear slip on shoes, even in winter, no jewelry and my jacket and shoes are off before I get to the front of the line. Also my laptop is out of my briefcase ready to go.
But what helps ease my anxiety the most is always getting to the airport at least 90 minutes ahead of time. There are too many things that could go wrong while trying to get to my flight. Giving myself a big window always helps.
Have fun on your travels and breathe!
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You sound like a breath of fresh air! (no pun intended) I mean you definitely are a friendly flier. I wish there were more “yous” and less “them” ! We always get there plenty early, I leave nothing to chance. I’d much rather, in any case, take a road trip. Lol
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Great post! You’ve obviously read my mind on all the annoying people in the security queue…..
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I always have to check myself to make sure that I don’t end up on someone’s blog as the “annoying” person! LOL
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This is a *great* post – hilarious. I couldn’t agree more. Totally stresses me out to have to go through security. And now, I have a new twist – haven’t had to confront this yet but the next time I’ll probably set off the detector because I have metal plates in my arm from a broken wrist. Who knows what extra torture that will bring?
Another little – or not so little – item happens on the plane itself. I’ve been seated next to very *large* people who have a tendency to bulge over into my seat. I need my bubble on the plane as well as on the ground.
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OMG that reminds me of when I was 18 I few non stop from Dallas to Honolulu in an MD-11 plane. That is the one with 3 seats – 5 seats – 3 seats. Anwyay, I was in the MIDDLE seat of the 5 section (2 people on each side of me). the one on my left had obviously been eating onions and garlic before boarding the plane and couldn’t keep his burps to himself…and the one of my right was one of the more “healthy” people with a drooling problem. Both of my armrests were being used (not by me) and so I just sat there an wished for my death. Instead, I landed in Paradise 8 hours later — not too bad of a trade off hehe
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Good thing the destination was worth it 8).
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I want to strangle the A Hole who farts repeatedly on the airplane. If you’ve got a tummy ache, use the restroom. Don’t torture everyone else with your rotting innards.
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Your comment made me spit out my coffee I was drinking when I read it! Hilarious…and yes, I would like to lean over and tell that person the location of the lavatory…. haha
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